As you can tell I enjoy finding ways to make the things that annoy me at least some what entertaining. If you’re wondering why I decided to write another post about anpther annoyance not even an hour after the last one, it is 10:52 pm and I just received a phone call from a telemarketer. Uggghhhh!!!!

Yes, like everyone else I can’t stand when these guys call me, and like everyone else I thought I was on the no-call list. They have no respect for our desire not to be sold their American Standard 2889.216.020 toilet that can flush 20 golf balls and 56 chicken nuggets. When I do give them the chance to make their pitch, I feel like I’m reminded how bad the economy is in some areas of the country.  But then again, it can’t be that bad if they’re filming themselves flushing a 50 piece nugget down the toilet.

Maybe since college, its been one of my favorite past-times to either make telemarketers as uncomfortable as possible or hang up in world record time. Either way my mission is always to make sure that when they do hang up they don’t call back. My favorites are a little too R rated to share in my opinion. However, I do have some PG-13 alternatives that are certain to bring a little humor to that next time “Unknown” calls you.

•  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”

• If you get one of those pushy people who won’t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry.

• If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” or “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my glaucoma is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died….” When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

• If the person says he’s John Doohikey from the Ratchet Sales Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

• For guys….Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Random WhoCares Services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

• For gals: Telemarketer: ”Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Random WhoCares Services….You: in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Julie!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

• Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

•  If your local cable company calls trying to get you to sign up with their bundle plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?

• Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.